Recently some ladies asked me my opinion on whether or not single ladies should have a “hoe phase”. At first, I was hesitant to bring this topic to the blog, but if we are gonna talk, let’s talk right?!
Instead of asking the question, is it okay to have a promiscuous or “hoe” phase, we should rather ask if we can handle it. After all whose permission are we really asking? God? Society?
In most religious schools of thought God says wait until marriage to have sex. Why is this? Honestly, I don’t think that God thinks sex is shameful or that He’s overly obsessed with our chastity. I think God just doesn’t want us to end up on Maury. He doesn’t want us to be burdened with baby daddy drama, STDs, infidelity and broken hearts. He wants us to find true love, a committed loving monogamous relationship.
Society will always have mixed views. Some of society will call a promiscuous woman a hoe, a homewrecker, an immoral woman. Some of society will call a promiscuous woman liberated. After all, why should women be extra virginal saints when men can openly chase skirts and brag about it. But we shouldn’t be promiscuous just to say “f*ck you” society and your double standards. Again, we have to ask ourselves, can we handle it?
If you meet an attractive man and have a one-night stand will you feel some type of way the next day? Will you be upset if he doesn’t call? Can you leave it at a one-night encounter or will you want more? Will you be upset if he doesn’t want more?
If you start a relationship with someone and sleep with them early in the relationship, will you regret it if the relationship ends? Will you feel like you gave too much too soon?
If you sleep with multiple people and it results in unwanted pregnancy can you emotionally navigate the hot mess of baby daddy uncertainty?
Can you handle the waiting period, that time between taking an STD test and getting the results?
I’m not trying to scare anyone into piousness. But there is no place for Nelly Furtado’s “Promiscuous Girl”. Sex is for women, not girls. There are real consequences. Sometimes we portray the promiscuous girl as fun loving, defiant and liberated. But I would warn against a “hoe phase” if you are doing it for any of these reasons:
You think you need a hoe phase before marriage.
In marriage your partner becomes more than just a passionate lover, they become a teammate, a family member. And with that comes a deeper kind of love. I promise you will be so ingrained in that love that you won’t regret not having had more sexual experiences with more people.
You are rebounding from a breakup.
I’ve been there. In that eff this man vibe. You need to feel sexy, confident, and wanted again. You need to re-prove to yourself that you are desirable and lovable. Well first of all you are absolutely desirable. I don’t care if you are freakishly tall, or 600 pounds, many someones desire you. You ARE desirable. That’s a fact! But here’s the thing, sleeping with a few people won’t help your confidence or heal your broken heart. It’s a temporary band-aid. And like all band-aids, the truth will be painfully ripped off at some point leaving you to finally address the real issues.
You are seeking love and temporarily substituting sex.
Seeking romantic love is a long, no maybe the longest journey. It’s a journey that feels elongated by wavering emotions. It’s so hard! We want to make cuddles with someone. We want warmth in the winter, and seduction in the summer. In our impatience, it’s easy to substitute sex for love, but it’s only temporary. Can you handle the emotions of the aftermath?
You are rebelling against society’s double standards and religious doctrine.
Don’t ever do anything just to rebel. If you want to do something because you genuinely want to do it and it happens to also be rebellious then fine. But don’t rebel just for the sake of rebelling.
If you want to have a promiscuous phase do your thing. Eff the society that judges women, and praises men for the same actions. But please ladies ask yourself, can you handle it? Can you handle the real consequences? And if you can’t then don’t. And one last thing….let’s not call it a “hoe phase”, that only further perpetuates societal double standards.
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