They say you shouldn’t meet guys in bars or clubs. You should try to meet guys organically by engaging in hobbies that interest you. But the truth is guys and gals don’t always like to do the same things. I like to take ceramics courses, go to Friday night art walks or the art institute after hours mixer. I’ve never met a single guy doing any of those things! All the guys present are usually with their wives or girlfriends. I probably could meet a guy in a Crossfit class, or a sporting event, but spare me please. I really just don’t want to do Crossfit and I’m not a sports fan unless it’s a NBA playoff elimination game or my brother is playing. That’s a pretty narrow interest. And so, if I went to these events it honestly would be for the sole purpose of trying to meet a guy. How fake and thirsty is that?
I’m not in school anymore, and I won’t date anyone I meet at work. The old adage of don’t shit where you eat is correct. I once met a guy who worked at the bank. We went on a few dates and when it didn’t work out, I needed to find a new bank location. Imagine if he’d been a coworker. Then what? Would I have to find a new job? I can’t do all that.
So if not bars and clubs, genuine interest hobbies, school or work where the heck are you supposed to meet guys? For a moment, I thought the grocery store. I would see a hot guy buying the same brand of Greek yogurt and be tempted to start a conversation. Seconds later his hot girlfriend, wife or toddler child would walk up. It’s rare that I see single men in the grocery store. So where then?
I met my husband on July 3rd at a 4th of July party at the Silver Room It’s this trendy store in Chicago that’s known for hosting events. This was a low key, BYOB party with an old-school hip hop DJ, and a chef barbecuing on the patio. My friend had heard about it through a promoter.
I remember being at home super chill that night. It had rained earlier and so everything was wet and dreary. I didn’t really feel like leaving the house. My friends convinced me to stop being lazy and come out. I threw on a blue pencil skirt, a fitted white wife beater, a red polka dot neck scarf and some white flip flops. My hair was pulled back in a ponytail. I was cute but not fancy. I just didn’t care to wear heels or get all dressed up when it was shitty outside.
Most nights I was eager to go out hoping it could be the night I’d meet Mr. Right. I’d spend hours changing clothes, readjusting my hair and makeup and sending cell phone pics of my shoe outfit combinations to my friends. That night I was ready in ten minutes. When we got to the party I didn’t do what I normally would do. That is, scan the room to see how all the women are dressed and determine if I was fancy enough or too fancy for the event. That night I just didn’t give a shit. I was there to have fun and that was it. I had no expectations of meeting a guy.
It was a BYOB party and so everyone had brought drinks and no cups. My friends and I scanned the room for cups and finally spotted a guy drinking from one. My friend went over to ask him where he got the cup and didn’t return. Finally, I went over to speed things up and get a long-awaited cup. The guy introduced himself with a Muslim first name. In Chicago, lots of black guys who aren’t Muslim have Muslim first names so I was curious to hear his last name. “What’s your last name,” I asked impatiently. He told me another Muslim name. “Are you Muslim?” I asked. “Are you a convert or are your parents converts?” He looked at me weird wondering why the line of questioning in the middle of this well DJed party. Finally, he told me that no one was a convert, that he was actually Somali. Oh, I thought, so he wasn’t American black. Got it. I ended my awkward 50 question interrogation, got directions to the cups and kept it moving. A few hours later we were getting ready to leave the party when the guy came up to me again. He started some immemorable small talk then asked for my number. I gave it to him without thinking much of it and then headed out to another bar.
We went to about four bars that night and I gave my number to about seven guys. Never ever EVER have seven guys asked for my number in a single night. And at the time I was that girl who didn’t know how to say no, so I would give out my number and then block it later. Super lame, but that’s where I was at that time. The next morning was the 4th of July and so work was cancelled. I really wanted pancakes and I didn’t want to eat alone. I called 5 or so friends who all told me to go back to sleep. Finally, I remembered that guy from the 1st party. I looked through my call history with the log of the seven numbers (guys always call the number when you give it to them to make sure it’s not a bogus number). I found the only 313 area code remembering that he had said he was from Detroit originally. Without any thought to the rules (always let him call you first) I called and asked him to breakfast. I went to breakfast in the same flip flops unknowing that this would be my last first date. I really just wanted pancakes.
So what’s the point? There’s a few points:
1. People make up too many rules about how to meet Mr./ Mrs. Right.
They say there are no nice guys or girls at the club/party. But I’m nice and I was at the party, and I met my husband whose even nicer than me.
2. Relaxed and confident is super sexy.
Every night out I was dolled up, and looking to meet someone. Even a girls’ night had underlined expectations of meeting a guy. On the night that I met my husband I met seven guys without trying. I was wearing flip flops and a wife beater!! Seriously! But I was super relaxed, had no expectations, was having fun and I was confident. This energy is attractive to people. 10 Ways to Be More Attractive & Confident
Sidenote: If you meet someone super dolled up, at some point they are going to see you in your casual look. I just think it’s easier if they think I’m cute in my casual look first. Then dolled up me looks amazing! I’ve got nowhere to go but up.
3. Thirst Rules are dumb!
If I had thought about it, I would’ve never called him and asked him to breakfast. Every thirst rule says let the guy call you first. And many women would say that it was super thirsty that I called him the morning after I met him and initiated a date. But whatever, we had great conversation over delicious pancakes. And guess what….he’s my husband now. If someone’s going to like you, they will like you regardless of if your follow “rules”.
By the time, I met my husband I knew that I wanted to ultimately marry a Muslim guy. I also knew I didn’t want to meet him at a Mosque because 1. I rarely went to mosque and 2. I didn’t think the kind of guy who went to mosque regularly would want me. I liked to party. I knew someday I’d want to slow the party down and have some kids but maybe not tomorrow. With that said I knew I wanted a Muslim guy who liked to party. I wanted a guy who could enjoy the party maybe a little too much but always return to this basic core set of values and maybe have some long- term goals for calming down. It never occurred to me, not even once that I would meet this guy at the party! It seems obvious now. If I’m “that girl”, and I’m at the party why wouldn’t “that guy” (the Muslim guy who likes to party) also be at the party. Duh! If Not Love Then What?: 6 Reasons Why I Married Him Other Than Love
The moral of the story is relax! Stop calculating the meeting of your spouse. Stop strategizing. Go out to the places you genuinely enjoy going and have real fun. And if you meet him in your sweats embrace that with confidence. You’ve got nowhere but up to go.
How have you met current or past partners? What’s worked, what hasn’t?
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