I’m Nora Nur from the relationship blog Love From the Other Side. I am honored to be a participant in the Women_Who_Empower_ challenge that has been running June 15, 2017 – June 30, 2017. For the past week or so the ladies in the challenge have been working toward personal development through goal setting, meditation, journaling, positive thought and so much more. If you haven’t yet joined the challenge go check it out on the Instagram page women_who_empower_. Today I was featured to discuss maintaining positive personal development while pursuing and/or maintaining a romantic relationship.
Below are 3 ideas to know and practice daily to help you do this:
#1 Happiness is not a “when event” – Be Happy Now
Sometimes we say to ourselves, “I’ll be happy when I have a healthy romantic relationship”, or “I’ll be happy with myself and feel beautiful when I lose 20 lbs”. The problem with this thinking is that the when event either never occurs or it occurs and we still don’t feel happy. Our happiness should not be conditional upon future events. If you aren’t happy single, then when the novelty of a new healthy relationship wears off you will go back to being unhappy. Likewise if you don’t feel beautiful and happy with yourself now, when the novelty of the new weight loss is gone you will go back to feeling discontent. Dig deeper. Find inner peace in the right now, and learn to love yourself and your life as it is right now.
If you are single and seeking companionship find ways to enjoy this stage of life. Being married or living with a significant other is a new stage of life, as is having children. In each stage I promise you will look back and miss aspects of your previous life. You will be grateful for the moments you enjoyed and appreciated. 10 Things I Miss About Single Life
If you are struggling with self-love and body image first know that you are not alone! I’m hard pressed to name a woman who doesn’t want a bigger or smaller butt, longer/fuller/straighter/curlier hair, a smaller dress size and the list goes on. But our happiness can’t be halted until we achieve these things. Instead, embrace the physical aspects of yourself that you love right now, own your beauty. Also ask yourself if it’s really the external that troubles you or if it’s something more. I’m 6 months pregnant right now, getting fatter by the da
y, YIKES! I can’t control that but my nails are always done, and that makes me feel beautiful in the now. The details matter. 10 Ways to Be More Attractive & Confident
#2 You & Only You Are Responsible For Your Happiness
You can not rely on others to make you happy, nor can you blame your unhappiness on others. “I’d be happy if my boss wasn’t such a jerk”. “I’d be happy if my husband was more romantic.” If you live your life with the mindset of having your happiness be dependent on others actions you will never be happy. This is also a very passive and lazy way of thinking. It’s a lot easier to blame your dissatisfaction on external factors. Be better than that! Make your own happiness and be responsible for it.
First understand that you have the power to change things. If your husband or partner isn’t romantic enough, create your own romance. Who’s to say you can’t be the one to plan romantic evenings, candlelight dinners, picnics in the park and etc. Explain to your partner that these things make you happy and ask that they participate under the condition that you plan things. By providing an example of your idea of romance you may be teaching your partner about you like. They may surprise you in the future and replicate your ideal romance. Also note that people express love differently. Take time to consider what they value and try pleasing them as well.
But what if your situation isn’t as simple as needing a little more romance. What if it’s something more serious like an emotional or financially abusive relationship that’s keeping you unhappy? If this is the case, it’s even more vital that you understand that YOU have the power to change things. Exercising this power might start with professional counseling to help you build the emotional strength, and mental clarity to organize a plan. Second you might consider financial counseling to help you save money to support your plan. Ultimately the decision to stay and fix the relationship or leave and establish a happy life away from the abusive partner is your choice and only your choice. No one can make this choice for you. But whatever your choice, understand that you are choosing your happiness or lack thereof. You are responsible for your own happiness, not your partner
#3 Invest More in Yourself than in Significant Others
Until a relationship is permanent (marriage has occurred) it is important you invest more in yourself than you do in significant others. So often we, as women feel a satisfaction in being needed and in helping others. We spend time building our partners confidence, helping them in their schooling or careers, and supporting their overall development. These are great qualities for a wife to have. But if you aren’t yet a wife, and you’re still a girlfriend don’t over do it. Getting too wrapped up in supporting your partner probably means you aren’t engaged enough in your own personal development. And if the relationship doesn’t lead to marriage, the return on your investment is merely lessons learned. It’s so important that we don’t invest so much into our temporary partners that we forget to invest in ourselves.
First understand why you may be overinvesting in temporary partners. Is it because it’s easier to coach someone else into success than it is to do the work yourself? Or is it because you are hoping that your support and investment will prove to this person that you are loyal and marriage worthy? These are two big reasons why we over invest in others and underinvest in ourselves. But remember, two things. 1. You can’t avoid putting in the work forever. At some point if you want to reach your goals, you have to put in the work. 2. Marriage is not an audition gone well. You shouldn’t have to give, build and invest so much to make a significant other choose you. Love is more organic and way less needy. Decide today that you will give a little less to revolving temporary relationships and give a little more to yourself. Are you fixing the right person? How investing too much in significant others can be detrimental to your own growth.
For today’s challenge I’d like you to make a list of 10 things you can do to increase your happiness. Be sure to include simple things you can do today, as well as long term things you will work toward. Then go onto the Instagram page women_who_empower_ and share at least 1 thing you will do.
Example of an immediate item: To be more happy today I will eat dinner outside instead of in front of the television with my spouse. Although I can’t control his/her television habits I can choose to do what makes me happier.
Example of a long term item: To be more happy I will start packing lunches in order to save money for a vacation. I may not be able to make my spouse take me on a trip, but I can save and take myself on a trip.
Good luck ladies, I can’t wait to hear your inspiring happiness goals. See you on IG!
Love Nora Nur, lovefromtheotherside.com/ IG: love_fromtheotherside