Is Fear Your Biggest Barrier to Love? a guest post for

barrier to love

Sometimes we all “do way too much” to disguise and ignore our overwhelming fears. Fear of deserving, fear of exposing ourselves and fear of failure are our biggest barriers to finding love.

The most embarrassing dating feedback I’ve ever gotten was from my doorman. A year of small talk encounters and subtle observations had collectively made my doorman a bit too comfortable and in my business.  It was Valentine’s Day and I was walking through the lobby with a 4 ft x 6 ft painting.

barrier to love - painting“Look”, I said proudly. “I made this for my boyfriend”. 

“It’s really nice”. the doorman replied. “But….”.

“But what?” I asked. “Just say it”.

“It’s just… do you ever think that maybe you’re doing too much?”

“No”. I thought…

I delivered that painting to my boyfriend, he loved it and one month later we were broken up.

He had a fixation with minimum incomes, 80k was the magic number and I wasn’t hitting it. Having grown up in poverty, he had decided that he was never going to settle down with a woman who he felt was living his fear of poverty. At the time, I was only making about 36k a year. I was an entrepreneur supplementing my income by driving an afterschool pick up van. I wasn’t always proud of my hustles, but they were MY hustles.  Still I wasn’t making 80k, and this was his requirement for taking me and our relationship seriously.   Money, How Much Does It Matter in a Relationship

Being broke during those years sucked.  But what was worse was the constant affirmation of my belief that being broke meant I was less valuable.  I studied the business women downtown with their perfect manicures, pressed skirt suits and sleek haircuts. I asked myself how much were they earning?  What kind of men did they date?  He had added another insecurity to the list of my many complexes. So, for years, I struggled through dating making, bad decisions as reactions to my deeply rooted insecurities and fears.

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