But Still I Love Her

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She was the bitterest of bitter bitches,
lacking loyalty like street snitches.
She was my Supreme Queen,
the deliverer of deferred dreams.
She gave you more than one shot,
a constant opportunity knock – er,
oh her, YES.

She was my large sweet tea.
She was my summer, summer, summertime.
She was that cutie with the fat booty.
Yes she was, the BEST, yaaaassss.
Except when she wasn’t.

She could be the bitterest of bitter bitches,
She could manually Emanuel-ly emasculate you,
With parking tickets, school yard pickets,
Black brothers on the corner gettin’ shot by blue bigots.

Yes, she was the realest of the realest, nothin’ basic about her.
The taste of summer seductions, electrifying July 4th eruptions
fall back, spring forward just enjoy it, until this…
the bitter bitch snitches. She’s ice cold.

No more summer seduction.
She doesn’t even know my name.

But still I love her.

A Love Letter to Leslie Jones & Other Single Ladies this Valentine’s Day

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If you haven’t already heard about it, Ghostbusters’ Leslie Jones made headlines when she posted this Instagram selfie and caption.

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People commented with sympathy, reminding Leslie that she’s unique and beautiful while others criticized her for lacking confidence and hope.  Honestly, both responses were to be expected.

But truthfully, we all have these moments where despite all the self love in the world we are just f*ckin’ over it!  We are frustrated with bad dates or no dates, the constant reminder from Halloween to Valentine’s Day that every kiss begins with Kay, and all the well-intentioned critiquing, suggesting and reassuring of secretly worried friends and family.

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“You Won’t Find Love Until You Love Yourself” and Other Hurtful Bullshit

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Originally published on Thought Catalog: thought catalog article

If you’re single maybe you’ve been told this recently, and if you’re not single, then perhaps folks have moved on to, “When are you getting married?” or “When are you having kids?”.  Regardless of your status, people in our lives for some reason see an urgency to progress things even further and tell us how to make that happen. My favorite of the cliché advice and questions is by far, You won’t find love until you love yourself”. 

For years, I heard this unsolicited advice from so many people.  It was always said with the best of intentions, intentions to encourage self-love, self-investment and betterment.  But as a single person, after about the 5th time you’ve heard this, it starts to sound like annoying bullshit.  You think, I do love myself!  Shit, the longest relationship I’ve ever had is with myself.   I’ve forgiven myself for shitty things I’ve done, underperformance, losses.  I’m proud of my success in life thus far, my academic accomplishments, my career progress, etc.  I treat myself well with a healthy diet and regular exercise.  I’m totally Team ME.

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The Science Behind Happily Ever After: Feature Post by ProFlowers

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If you know me by now, then you know that I love to quantify everything and I need a reason for everything.  I was the annoying child who asked WHY a million times.  As a single dater, I hated not always being able to know why things were the way they were in repeated failed relationships or bad first dates.  If only I could know the science behind dating, I could then work to be better at it.  But dating wasn’t calculated, it was free form, organic and at times disastrous.  To make the understatement of the year, it was unpredictably frustrating.  But did it have to be?  Isn’t there a science behind everything?  Wasn’t someone doing research on the science behind dating?

Low an behold, last week I found just that.  A well researched article by ProFlowers entitled The Science Behind Happily Ever After.  This article includes:

  • The 3 Stages of a Romantic Relationship
  • The exact length of the Honeymoon phase and how to ween off boredom once it ends
  • 8 Steps to Happily Ever After

Go read the article and then let me know what you think.  I was particularly surprised to learn how the honeymoon phase correlated almost exactly with my own engagement.  Right as we were exiting the honeymoon phase and boredom or monotony was bound to seep in, we fortunately had the excitement of a wedding, move across the country, honeymoon and then new baby.  Needless to say it’s been a busy two years!

Lastly don’t forget that Valentine’s Day is coming up!  If you are single and not planning to send flowers or candy to a special romantic someone then consider sending a thoughtful gift to a best friend, your mom or even yourself.  My mom loves getting flowers. What mom doesn’t?  And receiving unexpected flowers from a bestie, when you are single and maybe feeling glum about V-day is everything!  Trust me I’ve been on the receiving end.

Can’t wait to hear your thoughts on the article!  To learn more about ProFlowers you can also check them out on IG, or Facebook @ProFlowers.

 

 

 

Marriage Mentors: What I’ve Learned About Marriage from Jackie Bledsoe, My Parents & a Former Boss

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The last book I read, well listened to, compliments of Audible, was Jackie Bledsoe’, “The Seven Rings of Marriage”. The entire book was excellent and I’d recommend anyone married, engaged or hoping to someday be married, read it. The final chapter of the book, “Marriage Mentors”, got me thinking about my own marriage mentors and the value they’ve played on my understanding of how relationships work.

I’ve never seen my parents kiss. I’ve seen them hug at funerals or roll out of a hug when they heard me walking into a room, but I’ve never seen them kiss. Never!  I should mention that they are happily married and have been for almost 40 years.

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Why You Should Divorce Your Dreams

HY.pngSometimes in life we get married to the idea of something.  At some point in our life it mattered to us, we wanted it badly.  We began chasing that dream, so hard and fast that chasing it became a habit.  It became a part of our existence.  Life changes happened but we forgot to update our dreams.  We forgot to ask ourselves if we even still wanted the very dream we are chasing so hard.  Or worse yet, we are afraid to acknowledge whether or not we still want it.  The truth is, when a dream has been a deeply rooted part of your existence for so long, abandoning it can feel like abandoning apart of yourself.  Who am I without this dream? What will I do with myself if I’m no longer hyper-focused on chasing this dream?

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5 Reasons to Find Your Passion Before You Fall in Love

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Do you know what your passion is?  I’m not asking what your career or job is, I’m asking about your passion, your purpose.

My purpose is to process information and then deliver it in a way that helps people to understand, digest and apply it. In my day job fractions is my forte.  I teach high school equivalency classes to adults.  I like teaching math the most, specifically fractions because it’s the topic I least understood in grade school.  What makes me great at teaching it now is that I can remember why I didn’t understand. I get the disconnect.

Relationship blogging is the same thing.  I remember vividly all the things I didn’t understand about dating, all the misconceptions I had about the opposite sex, and most imperatively all the things I hadn’t yet learned about myself.  I can remember all of my ah ha moments, a decade of truth bombs.  But more important than just remembering, I get the disconnect.

Like learning fractions, learning about love can be bitterly painful.  I love the idea that by screaming on the page week after week, “Yo I f’cked up” I can have a moment with someone whose still in it.  I can say, “I knew even less than you about love!” “I was dense. I was repetitively bad at love, but somehow I figured it all out and you will too.  Keep going!  Stop guilting yourself, laugh at yourself, and keep trying.”

Doing this is the highlight of my week.  Closing the disconnect is my passion.  And having a passion is one of the most essential ingredients to my happiness.

Here’s why you need to find your passion before you fall in love:

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New Year, New You, New Love

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Happy New Year! I am so excited to begin 2018 talking with you about love, life and happiness.  This year we are going to dig even deeper.  We are going to keep talking about how to find, cultivate and maintain healthy happy romantic relationships.  But we are also going to talk more about what it takes to be happy with or without a significant other.  I used to really hate when people said things like, “You won’t find love until you love yourself”, or “You should be able to be happy without romantic love.”  I wrote these statements off as comments from the “haves” who couldn’t understand the lonely plight of the “have-nots”. But now I know there was and is some truth to those statements.

You see, life happens in seasons.  As I write to you now on NYE I’m juggling a 14lb baby on my arm.  My left arm is pecking away single handed-ly at the keys while my right shoulder gets more and more soaked with drool and spit-up. This is my season of drool, projectile poops, and sleepless nights. But it’s also my American Idol, Next Top Model, Obama phase.  In short, my kid thinks I’m the most important person in every room.  When I make my grand entrance equip with baggy stained t-shirt and last nights head scarf he gleams at me like I’m Angelina Jolie in an African orphanage.  (Don’t be offended, my kids ½ African so I can say these things!)  Anyway, he makes me feel important, like Obama important.  And that makes me happy.

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How to Protect Your Happiness this Holiday Season

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“Oh my, I see you’ve put on a few pounds.”

“What happened to that guy you were dating?”

“I guess I’ll never get any grand kids.”

Whether from your insensitive aunt, or your doting mother, comments like this can put a damper on being home for the holidays.  If you are looking forward to seeing family but at the same time slightly dreading it, don’t worry; that feeling is more common than you think.

Here are a few tips to help you protect your happiness this holiday season so you can enjoy your time with family even more.

Set your boundaries ahead of time. 

Remember that you are an adult, not a child. If you’ve had reoccurring boundary issues with a certain family member in the past, consider calling them ahead of time.  i.e. Aunt Cheryl, I appreciate your interest in my love life, but I would really appreciate it if you didn’t ask me about it in front of the whole family.  This makes me uncomfortable.

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When is it Too Soon to Meet the Parents?

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When a relationship is going well, at some point you may decide to introduce your significant other to your parents.  But how soon is too soon for meeting the parents?  Are there things you can do to make sure the meeting goes well?  Are there things your significant other can do?

When to Meet the Parents

There really is no steadfast answer as to when to have your significant other “meet the parents”.  There are however, a few things to consider:

Don’t introduce someone you are casually dating to your parents.  If you are not officially in a relationship with the person then an introduction to the parents could be detrimental in two ways:

  • You simply can’t introduce everyone you casually date to your family. This would result in a revolving door of casual introductions.  Your family may stop taking your introductions seriously. Imagine your mom at the front door yelling “Another one” in her DJ Khaled voice.
  • The other reason you shouldn’t introduce your casual dating buddy to our family is because it sends a confusing message to the person you’re dating. Are we or aren’t we casual? If you want to keep things casual then parental introductions are saying the opposite of that.  And if you want to get more serious, a parental introduction is putting the cart before the horse.  Don’t scare your casual dating partner away.  Give the relationship time to become a relationship first.  Are Your Dating Expectations Too High?

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