Sometimes in life we get married to the idea of something. At some point in our life it mattered to us, we wanted it badly. We began chasing that dream, so hard and fast that chasing it became a habit. It became a part of our existence. Life changes happened but we forgot to update our dreams. We forgot to ask ourselves if we even still wanted the very dream we are chasing so hard. Or worse yet, we are afraid to acknowledge whether or not we still want it. The truth is, when a dream has been a deeply rooted part of your existence for so long, abandoning it can feel like abandoning apart of yourself. Who am I without this dream? What will I do with myself if I’m no longer hyper-focused on chasing this dream?
Do you know what your passion is? I’m not asking what your career or job is, I’m asking about your passion, your purpose.
My purpose is to process information and then deliver it in a way that helps people to understand, digest and apply it. In my day job fractions is my forte. I teach high school equivalency classes to adults. I like teaching math the most, specifically fractions because it’s the topic I least understood in grade school. What makes me great at teaching it now is that I can remember why I didn’t understand. I get the disconnect.
Relationship blogging is the same thing. I remember vividly all the things I didn’t understand about dating, all the misconceptions I had about the opposite sex, and most imperatively all the things I hadn’t yet learned about myself. I can remember all of my ah ha moments, a decade of truth bombs. But more important than just remembering, I get the disconnect.
Like learning fractions, learning about love can be bitterly painful. I love the idea that by screaming on the page week after week, “Yo I f’cked up” I can have a moment with someone whose still in it. I can say, “I knew even less than you about love!” “I was dense. I was repetitively bad at love, but somehow I figured it all out and you will too. Keep going! Stop guilting yourself, laugh at yourself, and keep trying.”
Doing this is the highlight of my week. Closing the disconnect is my passion. And having a passion is one of the most essential ingredients to my happiness.
Here’s why you need to find your passion before you fall in love:
Happy New Year! I am so excited to begin 2018 talking with you about love, life and happiness. This year we are going to dig even deeper. We are going to keep talking about how to find, cultivate and maintain healthy happy romantic relationships. But we are also going to talk more about what it takes to be happy with or without a significant other. I used to really hate when people said things like, “You won’t find love until you love yourself”, or “You should be able to be happy without romantic love.” I wrote these statements off as comments from the “haves” who couldn’t understand the lonely plight of the “have-nots”. But now I know there was and is some truth to those statements.
You see, life happens in seasons. As I write to you now on NYE I’m juggling a 14lb baby on my arm. My left arm is pecking away single handed-ly at the keys while my right shoulder gets more and more soaked with drool and spit-up. This is my season of drool, projectile poops, and sleepless nights. But it’s also my American Idol, Next Top Model, Obama phase. In short, my kid thinks I’m the most important person in every room. When I make my grand entrance equip with baggy stained t-shirt and last nights head scarf he gleams at me like I’m Angelina Jolie in an African orphanage. (Don’t be offended, my kids ½ African so I can say these things!) Anyway, he makes me feel important, like Obama important. And that makes me happy.
“Oh my, I see you’ve put on a few pounds.”
“What happened to that guy you were dating?”
“I guess I’ll never get any grand kids.”
Whether from your insensitive aunt, or your doting mother, comments like this can put a damper on being home for the holidays. If you are looking forward to seeing family but at the same time slightly dreading it, don’t worry; that feeling is more common than you think.
Here are a few tips to help you protect your happiness this holiday season so you can enjoy your time with family even more.
Set your boundaries ahead of time.
Remember that you are an adult, not a child. If you’ve had reoccurring boundary issues with a certain family member in the past, consider calling them ahead of time. i.e. Aunt Cheryl, I appreciate your interest in my love life, but I would really appreciate it if you didn’t ask me about it in front of the whole family. This makes me uncomfortable.
This weeks blog topic comes from a reader. When should you tell someone you love them?
You should tell someone you love them when:
- You are confident you love them.
- You know what love means and doesn’t mean in the context of your situation.
- You can explicitly or implicitly communicate to your partner what love means and doesn’t mean to you.
When a relationship is going well, at some point you may decide to introduce your significant other to your parents. But how soon is too soon for meeting the parents? Are there things you can do to make sure the meeting goes well? Are there things your significant other can do?
When to Meet the Parents
There really is no steadfast answer as to when to have your significant other “meet the parents”. There are however, a few things to consider:
Don’t introduce someone you are casually dating to your parents. If you are not officially in a relationship with the person then an introduction to the parents could be detrimental in two ways:
- You simply can’t introduce everyone you casually date to your family. This would result in a revolving door of casual introductions. Your family may stop taking your introductions seriously. Imagine your mom at the front door yelling “Another one” in her DJ Khaled voice.
- The other reason you shouldn’t introduce your casual dating buddy to our family is because it sends a confusing message to the person you’re dating. Are we or aren’t we casual? If you want to keep things casual then parental introductions are saying the opposite of that. And if you want to get more serious, a parental introduction is putting the cart before the horse. Don’t scare your casual dating partner away. Give the relationship time to become a relationship first. Are Your Dating Expectations Too High?
Recently some ladies asked me my opinion on whether or not single ladies should have a “hoe phase”. At first, I was hesitant to bring this topic to the blog, but if we are gonna talk, let’s talk right?!
Instead of asking the question, is it okay to have a promiscuous or “hoe” phase, we should rather ask if we can handle it. After all whose permission are we really asking? God? Society?
In most religious schools of thought God says wait until marriage to have sex. Why is this? Honestly, I don’t think that God thinks sex is shameful or that He’s overly obsessed with our chastity. I think God just doesn’t want us to end up on Maury. He doesn’t want us to be burdened with baby daddy drama, STDs, infidelity and broken hearts. He wants us to find true love, a committed loving monogamous relationship.
Society will always have mixed views. Some of society will call a promiscuous woman a hoe, a homewrecker, an immoral woman. Some of society will call a promiscuous woman liberated. After all, why should women be extra virginal saints when men can openly chase skirts and brag about it. But we shouldn’t be promiscuous just to say “f*ck you” society and your double standards. Again, we have to ask ourselves, can we handle it?
We’ve all laughed at the famous Kanye verses, but when it comes to dating someone with “potential” where do we really stand?
I used to pride myself on not being a gold digger, so much so that I frequently dated broke men. Some were musicians, artists or entrepreneurs who frequently talked about their grand aspirations. The hype sounded great in the first few dates, I was always intrigued and inspired by their stated ambition. But after months of hanging out it was clear that the “ambition” was little more than talk without any tangible plans or work ethic. Yet still I was weary to write off all artist and entrepreneurs as I was one myself.
The thing about motherhood is that you discover this new spectrum of love and pain you never knew existed. You never knew the capacity of love could stretch so far nor the depths of pain. It makes your heart raw, exposed. It’s terrifying. But once it’s happened, once you know this new depth of love you can’t unknow it, you can’t unfeel it, you can’t unwant it.
With the birth of my son came 3 life changing love lessons:
#1 You are stronger than you know
“He’s tangling in his umbilical cord,” the doctor said calmly. “I know you didn’t want a Cesarean birth, but this is what we need to do right now”. Eight or nine doctors rushed into the room and quickly wheeled me down a hall. “Will I be awake or asleep? Awake or asleep?” I mumbled as doctors lifted me from one table to another and strapped me down. This is the last thing I remember before waking up in a new room to my mother and husband. Continue reading
Sometimes I reminisce about my 20s dating life. A song comes on the radio and a memory flashes. I see myself precariously treading in heels through the icy parking lot of a banquet hall. The bitter January breeze bites the back of my neck as I contemplate the clanking of closing car doors ahead. What did it take to be one of those women – the women whose men knew it was only acceptable to let them out at the front door. I’m envious, no embarrassed. Still embarrassed in my recollection I’m awaken by the frustration of a suckling baby. It’s 3 A.M. I feel irrational resentment for my husband’s useless nipples. If only we could both breastfeed. My milk production is still low, and so the baby needs a bottle. I open the fridge to find one has already been made. I forgive him a bit for his useless nipples.
As a new mom my new life is hashtag hectic! Teamwork in marriage has a new meaning. And while our marriage and new parent teamwork is far from perfect, it does make me appreciate and value a few things. I consider the low criteria I set in my dating years and how the results of that could have been catastrophic in a marriage speak less in parenting. Simply put there are some things that absolutely matter in a dating relationship, if you expect to have a shot at surviving the challenges of marriage and family. Why Do People Say Marriage is Hard?